Is keeping to yourself actually protecting you?

So there's a really common, yet counterintuitive, way rejection works. If I keep people at a distance, I don't even have the risk of being rejected, and that feels like protection. And I've seen people do this a lot.

Belonging is important. It's a basic human need. And when we feel we've been rejected, the common response is to retreat, because if I'm never close enough to anyone, nobody can reject me. So the pulling back isn't really about the people out there. It's a defense mechanism against being rejected again, and it can look like something much nicer than that.

I see this a lot with spiritual people. They retreat into a little bubble where it's, I can only hang out with vegan yogi super spiritual people, and anybody else can't be my friend. I'm taking kind of an extreme example, but not really, because I actually know a lot of people that kind of fit that mold. From the inside it can feel like having standards. From the outside it can just be a smaller and smaller life.

So I don't think the answer is to judge yourself for it. The more useful thing is a question. How engaged am I with my local community, in some way? Do I have something, somewhere, where I do feel like I belong?

It can be church, it can be yoga, it can be dance, it can be the gym. But I'd say for most people, going to an aerobics class where it's hi and bye, that's not really community. Community is when there are people you actually sit down and have a coffee with, or have a real conversation with.

And if you don't have that right now, ask yourself, is this something I'm missing? And if it is, what could I do to have more community wherever I am, and to give myself the opportunity to be included?

Because being included means letting people close enough that they could reject you. That's the risk the retreat was avoiding, and it's also the only way you ever get to belong anywhere.