Is the person who triggers you really the problem?

So I've been teaching a lot lately about the people who push our buttons. And most of us walk in with the same assumption: that person is the problem, and if they would just change, I'd be fine.

Before we go any further: feel it first. Before you try to make sense of any of this, let yourself notice what it actually feels like to be around that person. Not what it means. Just what it feels like, what your body tells you.

Here's what I see instead of "that person is the problem." Nobody is in your life by accident. The unresolved stuff inside you works like a magnet. If I carry an old wound around rejection, life keeps sending me people who give me the chance to feel rejected. It keeps happening until I heal it. That's not a punishment. It's an opportunity. And it goes both ways. You're a growth opportunity for them too.

Here's an example. Say I'm around someone from a higher class than me, and I feel like they look down on me. Maybe they do. But maybe they aren't rejecting me at all. That "I'm less than you" feeling is coming from inside me, not from them. Nobody can make me feel small unless I decide to feel small next to them.

So the question I ask is this: what has to be true about me for this relationship to make sense?

Not "what's wrong with them." Not "what's wrong with me" either. Just, what would have to be true? In that example, the answer might be that I've tied my worth to my bank account or my family name. The healing is experiencing myself as an equal. I've used class here as an example but the same idea holds up if we're talking about physical appearance, income, social network, job or any other aspect of life.

One more thing. Seeing your part doesn't mean you have to stay near this person, or that leaving is a failure. Sometimes the growth is exactly that: less time with them, or a real limit. And if what you're dealing with is violence or abuse, this isn't about finding your part at all. Get safe first, and get support from someone trained to help you do that.

But anytime you find yourself rejecting someone or some environment ask the question: what has to be true about me for my pushing away to make sense?

Pick one person you find hard. Ask the question. Write down whatever comes, even if it annoys you. Then let me know what came up.