The person who does everything perfectly for you

So there's a way the fear of being abandoned shows up that a lot of people miss, because from the outside it doesn't look like fear at all.

We usually picture someone with abandonment issues as clingy and needy, and sometimes that's true, because they need that reassurance that you're still there. But it can go the other way too. They can try to over-deliver, so they become, what's the word I'm looking for, indispensable in your life. It's like, I've got to be gorgeous, I've got to be great at all these different things, so I don't get abandoned.

From the outside that just looks like someone who's really capable and takes care of every little detail. But at the end of the day, underneath all of it is insecurity. The thought underneath is, I'm afraid of being abandoned, so I have to over-deliver to not be abandoned. And that is really stressful, because I have to be super everything, all the time. Imagine living with that threat of abandonment as something real. They're probably not thinking about it consciously every morning, but they feel it, and the people closest to them feel it too, as a kind of tension in the relationship that's hard to put a finger on.

So what do you do if this is someone you love? You can't heal their wound for them, and you're not responsible for it. But understanding it can change what you say to them. The natural thing is to praise the performance, you do so much, thank you. And that's kind, but it quietly agrees with the deal they've made, that all the doing is what keeps you there.

So instead of thanking them for what they do, tell them what isn't going to change. I choose to be with you. I see my future with you. You don't have to overcompensate with me.

And if you read this and recognised yourself instead, that's worth noticing too. You might try telling yourself the last one, you don't have to overcompensate, and see what happens in your body when you do.